Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Regret nothing

Sup guise!

I am so happy I found time to blog again, I miss talking to this wonder box, especially hearing my readers that they also want to see some update with my blog.

As usual, it has been one hectic and tight schedule with work, not to mention I had a 5-day one on one lesson at my boss's house. I had no time for making up with myself or whatsoever, it was pure work with little rest however it was fun and a new experience for me. 

Lately, I have been in a tough relationship. A lot of people have been asking what and why's but I'm trying to avoid public questions or the virtual world, trying... but here I am, contemplating about it on the www. I guess it's okay for me to share my sorrows in this blog, after all it's personal so let me tell you the story, what happened and what's going on...

Recently, I installed an app called ---- It features sharing of languages from other nationalities and I met so many people; it's like tinder but in a much friendlier and clean environment. I had the app for additional students in my work so I usually market my English communication skills and most of them were Japanese. And then I met this guy, a surfer slash dance instructor who was on a business trip in the Philippines. At first, I didn't like him because he was demanding, he wanted to see me so badly and I had second thoughts because I was still dating my 6-year boyfriend. Shit gone crazy when suddenly I decided to go meet him on a cloudy Saturday afternoon, I traveled 6 hours to get to Baguio City and went there with only 200 php left in my pocket. It was a relief, I also dreadfully needed time to relax and get out of the chaotic life that time.

We ate out, talked and I was really surprised at how abruptly open and liberated he was in our first meeting. He grabbed my hand, hugged me continuously, kept holding my hand and even hugged me from my back which is my weak point (ladies, it's our weakpoint right?! haha). I remember songs were playing in the dim lit park; cool breeze and butterflies in my stomach; my hands were ice cold and I felt free rather than guilty. It was fantasy became reality. I felt a rush; like love, like chills in my spine but in a good way. It was a pleasurable moment for me... but, for him, it was nothing.

All these effort I did, I ruined my heart, my love with Sheff, my trust, my loyalty, my ego; all for nothing! Working for 8 and more hours plus the only chance I could skype with him, I did all that for love because I was falling... but later did I know, I fell and shattered into pieces. It was mere fantasy, just an illusion so I could feel pain again, so I could fall and rise back up somehow it made me think of how stupid I was and I can laugh it off. 

I remember I love you's, I remember promises, I remember he said to protect me and would never leave me even when time comes he will know who I truly am... Instead, he abandoned my heart, my doubts were unanswered and left me with only a goodbye and thank you.

Love can sometimes become disgusting but I regret nothing, I learned that no matter how depressing my life was, attaching a stranger won't fix depression instead experience and the people around me who stuck and gave me hope are the ones who can help. Depression may just be a word or fascination or mystery but I stood strong and I am still fighting it. I can cry it out loud and it will haunt me from time to time.

That guy was only an entity who made me realize that I can kill depression by laughing at his stupid ass. I regret nothing. I have been broken many times but I can continue to be hopeful and content. Anata no aho, I hope you'll overcome all the challenges in life because women are not fans, they are not for work, we are the ones who gave birth to you so respect each and every one of us, especially you don't know the battles we've been through.


Experience is the best teacher.

Spectacles - Made in Korea, bought it because I broke my Emoda glasses T__T;
Tshirt - Santa Cruz. Thrift shop
Leather belt - Thrift shop
Pants - Forever 21
Boots - Dr. Martens

1 comment:

  1. Love your photos, i feel the life in it. I also love how you styled your skinny jeans. super love your blog.